So, Here I am in Suffolk VA.
I have 6 days, 8 Hours and 30 Minutes left until I get home. That means
I've been here a week of my 13 day trip. And that also means it took a week for my mother and I to get into our first fight.
Now as I see it, she wasn't being fair about it, but let me explain.
So, today we went shopping, and it was great fun. She bought me a clock and...well, a clock, which I greatly
appreciated and I was very happy to get it. Especially since she had a 40% off coupon to use on it.
We got home at around 3 30 and I was pretty crabby, but
concealed it pretty well. Mostly it's just cause I was hungry, though I also haven't been getting much sleep here. I made myself a
sammich and had some chips. Yum. And i felt better for a while.
But then i realize that what i really wanted was a cigarette. That cigarette that I had been mildly thinking of for about an hr. and a half at this point. That want slowly turned into a need. Finally I had to do something cause i was just feeling pretty crappy without one.
Now, before I even got here, my Mom told me that my sister could not be around the smoke or even the smell because she has recently developed Asthma. I was totally fine with that, and up to this point, I had been so good. Before I left I was smoking about 6 a day. From the time i got here up until today, I did not smoke until everyone went to bed and i was very proud of myself for being able to do this. It felt good to smoke less even.
But today, man, I just really needed one. So i went downstairs with my purse with the intent of going on a walk so I could smoke, but i wanted to clear it with my mama first. So I went into the kitchen and i said "hey, I know that this is not going to make you very happy, but
I've been thinking about a cigarette for about 2 hours now and I just REALLY need to go have one." And I also told her that I would go to the greatest possible lengths, including spraying, washing my hands, and brushing my teeth, and changing my shirt, so that no one would be bothered by it. I told her I would be back in time to go to my sister's karate class which was at 5 30. But, she would not go for it. She got very upset at me and told me that my sister nor my dad, who is just getting over
pneumonia, needed to be around the smoke. I told her I understand that but I just really could not help it at this point. She asked me if maybe i wanted to eat, or to go brush my teeth and that would help. I was willing to try those things, but I knew the only thing that would help in reality would be that
cig. Plus I had just eaten and was, in fact, full. She still completely disagreed with me, so finally I told her I supposed I just would not go with them then, if it was that serious that I was going to have a
cig. before hand.
At that point she took what was, in my opinion, a really low blow. She said, "well, i guess that cigarette is more important than going to see your sister do karate." Which, I believe she knows full and well in her mind is much too far from the truth. I told her she could make me feel bad if she wanted to but i still really needed to smoke.
Then my Dad started to defend me, but quickly got shut down because she said he could not be around it.
I got really upset, so i went upstairs in my room and shut the door and turned on my music.
About 15 min. later my dad came in and calmly asked if i was going to go with them. I told him I just didn't think i could. By this time, the not going had nothing to do with the cigarette and everything to do with how my mother was acting about it.
Then my mother came in and told me how her friend at dinner really wanted to see me too. I said I understood I just really did not want to go anywhere. She left.
She came back and asked me one more time if I wanted to go. My answer was still a no, so she said "Well, I hope when you get back to Oak Harbor, that cigarette was more important than spending time with your family." I mean...WOW. I was just, flabbergasted, blown away, by the fact that she would say something like that. That's beyond low blow. I feel it was mildly evil even.
OK, not quite, but you understand.
Oh, and after that she told me I was acting like i was 15 again, which i
didn't' even much understand and she said "some things never change." I told her that no, they don't.
Me, oh, have I ever changed. She, oh yes, she is still exactly the same.
I don't think i should be made to feel guilty just because I smoke. What do you think.
And oh, in case anyone doesn't know, my mother also was a smoker. For about 11 years as I recall. Could be less could me more, that's just an estimate. So of all people, you'd think she might understand.
And now I really feel stuck here.
I called her. I told her how i felt and what had happened. She says I just want to run. Yes, of course i want to run. When DON'T i want to run? But, since when am i not allowed to run? I think it is perfectly acceptable. Especially since I've wanted to go see my
wifey anyways. I didn't have the money. Now i kind of do, so now I want to go. And its not like
I'd be gone long. 2 days whole. Not bad.
I just, well,
I'm just ready for my trip to be over. And i feel bad for saying that. But I think generally it's understandable. Or isn't it?
I love my mother. From far away. I love her up close too. It's just a lot harder that way. We clash. Sometimes I think she thinks she "too good" or "high and mighty", and that is not a way to be. And for a Christian woman, well, I thought people such as herself were rather open minded. I mean, aren't you supposed to be, or am I wrong on that too? Because that is also something my mother lacks, admittedly or not.
I'm not trying to bash her. These are my honest feelings. In my head and my heart. I love her, but wow. She sure does have a way of getting to me. She shouldn't be able to do that to me anymore, but I guess if she didn't have that ability, I wouldn't respect her as much. She would not be the mother that she is to me.
~What do you think?
*******Me*********
