I...

You can't fake it hard enough to please everyone, or anyone at all. Anyone at all.

So, 6 days till i go home. And this is the very first time in 2 months i've had this thought that i wanted. I want to go home. I want to go back. Not because of Oak Harbor. Oak Harbor can kiss my black ass! I want to go back to the people i LOVE with all my heart.
I want to go back to YOU. I know it would be happier that way. Forever wouldn't seem so scary with me by your immediate side. None of this bullshit would have happend. You're doubt would be lessened. You get a place and i'd be back in a minute. Would that happen?
I want to go back to my mother. I hated her and miss her so much. Tonight was the first conversation i've had with her since i've been here in which we laughed and just talked and things were okay. she asked me to go home again and i just wanted to go "okay." ...and that be it. But she knows if i go back it would have to be under my one single circumstance. Would she do that?
I want to go back to my dad. MY DAD. The one that was there for 8 years. The one that gave enough of a shit to fight me when i left...to educate me. To tell me what was important, and not fear to give me THE TRUTH. That dad.
I want to go back to my sister. The girl that could put a smile on my face all day. The most innocent thing on earth. Her laugh just melts me, and i want to be back to enjoy it.
These people are my family. All 4 of you. And I want you back. So much right now. So much it hurts my heart. And I cry. Because i need you all. I need you so much more than i could ever verbalize to you. But you're not supposed to know that, because that's how I am. Hell, I even want my little fluffy lion with the butt infection back cause she's so sweet.
I've lived without the people here for so long its tolerable. Even you, i'd been without you for so long, but i feel as though you've been there for jsut as long as the others. My Dad...he's fucked up. I love him. He's fucked up...a lot.
My uncle, he has a drinking problem and I don't get a chance to talk to him when he's not somewhat fucked up. The only people i know here are either potheads or guys looking for ass.
It's just lame.
And that's the way the cookie crumbles.
I'm just sad.
The end.

The rope thats wrapped around me
Is cutting through my skin
And the doubts that have surrounded me
Are finding their way in
I keep it close to me
Like a holy man prays
In my desperate hour
Its better that way

So Ill come by and see you again
Ill be such a very good friend
Have mercy on my soul
I will never let you know
Where my mind has been

Angels never came down
Theres no one here they want to hang around
But if they knew
If they knew you at all
Then one by one the angels
Angels would fall

Ive crept into your temple
I have slept upon your pew
Ive dreamed of the divinity
Inside and out of you
I want it more than truth
I can taste it on my breath
I would give my life just for a little death

So Ill come by and see you again
Ill be just a very good friend
I will not look upon your face
I will not touch upon your grace
Your ecclesiastic skin

Ill come by and see you again
Ill have to be a very good friend
If I whisper they will know
Ill just turn around and go
You will never know my sin

All that She intends, and all She keeps inside, Isn't on the label

Well, I guess I don't much remember when I last wrote, but I wanted to, and it won't be about anything important as far as I know.

Well, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, my all-time favorite has been on for the last 4 days on USA, and I, am in heaven with that!

Dammit. Marley keeps trying to type on here again. I swear He really does like to. Goodness, he's getting so big. We had to make is kennel almost full size now, and I think he has a bladder problem cause he pee's like, every 20 minutes.

I cannot believe that i'm leaving in less than 7 days. Seriously, i get to see you in ONE WEEK! Please tell me you can see that and you're excited by now. Cause I am bustin at the seams with pure excitement. Lol, and i haven't even bought my ticket yet. Not till 2morro probably.

I think i'll try to go to Havelock/New Bern before I leave. Go see Papa, lol, cause that'll be the last time before we break him out, and Grandma Jo; she needs new flowers. Plus grampy. I may even just take Nana back for them. I've got to go there to get to my bank anyhow.

Man i slept so well last night. Over 12 hrs. even, I believe. Then again I have NO idea what time i went to bed.

Finally tried to call the family last night, but no answer, which is lame. Oh well, told me to call at like, 7 tonight...as if i must work around their schedule in order to talk. Whatever, i may or may not.

I want my fucking phone back. I want to talk to people whenever i want.

I think I complain about things too much. And that was just a random thought cause I want to write to complain about all the bad stuff but that isn't very fair. Just 2 things in particular I can point out. But that's over now.

I'm hating/loving work. I'm hating being in that fucking bakery and being bored all the time. I'm hating being forced to try and learn cash register. I'm loving that they're considering moving me. I'm loving the people i meet there. Then again, i'm hating them too. Rather, i'm loving a few of the people i met there.

I'm glad things here are finally starting 2 get better. Knowing people and having things to do on the weekend nights helps so much. I used to like, look out the window and be like, look, all those people partying, and where am i...not partying. But now...i can be one of those people too...and whenever I want really. It's good.

I learned how to take tequila shots the right way. lol. I used to just do them warm and dry. But now i know how. yay! Tried a mamosa for the first time too. I'm becoming liquorated.

Well, idk, its been half an hr. and i should go shower, but i dont see a point. lol. cuz i dont even want to get dressed. so who knows. wonder if i'll go to bed at some kind of decent hr...eh. I dont recall falling asleep quite last night. eh, i'll talk to you and ask.

Oh good, Marley figured out how to eat christmas balls. It's hanging like a decoration out of his mouth. Cute.

*You're too far away for Me to hold*

<3

Now I'm Here and I Don't Know Why

You know how when You were little, your parents would go out on dates and such and leave you at your house with a rather strange person. Things were especially hard if You knew mom and dad would come home acting funny; they were going to a place you didnt' want them to. It didn't matter how much fun You would have later, what mattered was right then, that You couldn't be with them THEN. It didn't matter that they would be home earlier. As a kid your parents are your security, but now she's my security. I feel like a kid again when she's gone, and she's going to that place I don't want her to...again.

Yes, I'll complain about this every single time until I don't have to anymore...Oh well.

It's Friday and I'm beginning to want friends. I'm okay for 5 weeks, but suddenly, I feel lame. I want them but I don't. New ones are shit. I talked to my wife about it tonight. We're going to arrange a weekend for him to come get me or meet me somewhere before christmas for a weekend. That would be like, the best thing ever! I'm so excited about it already. Heh.

I guess i've stopped reading. My interest is lost again. I'd rather DL music or rot my brain with tv, or find other ways to occupy my time.

My father should buy me alcohol....but that's not a very ideal way to occupy time now is it?

Guess I'll hop in bed in half an hr. or so...or I won't. No clue.

The myspace "you're pretty" messaged me again today. What a weirdo. I'm gunna end up being a myspace victim.

*It Feels Like Forever*