Lookin' Like I Need a Rescue

She's drunk, and she's with that girl; that drunk girl. And so it goes; they are drunk together. And of course I am okay with it, but of course I hate it. I hate it because of the games my own head plays with me; because of the things my own heart tells me are true, rather they are or not. And I will deal with it, because that is what you do when You love somone so much. That is what You do even when you're head and heart get ahead of You. And that is what You do, even if You may never find out the real truth...you trust and believe...so I.DO.

This is the second time i've had this revolation, both times with the same person. The revolation that I desire to be better than anything she's ever had, and ever will have. With no one else have I ever cared how good I was to them, because I knew how shitty they tended to be to me. But her...never. She is NEVER bad to me, even when I "think" she is. Even when I want to pick fights. Even when i WANT to find something to place blame on...she is NEVER bad. And you know, I want to be that. I want to be so bad. But thinking about it, I don't know how to be that person. I think in order to be that person though, I first have to stop letting my head venture off so far, such as into that above though. I want to be the best to her, for her, and I don't know how. I think about myself and my feelings too much. When she's out having fun, rather than going yay, she's having fun, i play terrible things in my head. I think, why isn't she spending her time "with" me. Why am I not with Her?! I've got to fix that or for sure it's going to eat me. It's going to go nowhere good, but I don't know how to stop that either. How do I do that?

All I know is She is better than anything i've ever had in every way. I love her more than anyone and anything, bottom line. I lie...no one, absolutely no one, comes before her. I'm not sure if that's healthy, but that's just how it is. But I could try to fix that too if that's not right.

I just need to know WHO to be now.

*Where only i can find you, we can run away from here. Show me I'm right...*

I'm Gunna Hold You Closer than Before

Uh huh...So, today is/was thanksgiving. Why is it not so special anymore? I was happy to wake up this morning and realize I was with my Daddy. I was totally thrilled to watch the parade; even woke up at like, 8 30 to see it. There was a Foster's float, so I was thrilled. Laurie Berkner sang the Bumble Bee song. Made me miss my sister bunches. "That looks like a big blue penis." "No, it's not! But his name is bloo...regard." But my family wasn't here, you know. Me, my dad, and his g/f. Not my nana, hardly my uncle, not my aunt, not my brother. And they live close, so no excuses, you know. Just...nothing. More than that though, i missed her, and my sister. More than anything i missed those two.

My brother, sister, and megan....you guiz are like my entire life's glue, you know? If you weren't there, I wouldn't get out of bed. I would be the lamest, most pathetic piece of shit that ever existed, because I would literally have next to nothing to live for. Without them I'd be like this big waste of oxygen. I remember feeling like that even when i was younger about my brother. It got stronger when my sister came along. And now, with her in my life, i've got literally everything. Dad and I were watching TV last night and there was one of those rediculous corny commercials about love and whatever. He made fun of it, you know, the whole, "We need nothing but each others love", speil, but I called him on it. I know he believes it, and you know, I do too.

I feel like total poo for not being able to do big Christmas shopping, or any at all for that matter. John got an 80$ pair of shoes that will be outgrown by before he's even out of school. My sister, well, i'll get her like, a rock or something. Lol. Okay maybe not. Actually, she really loves soccer, and I saw some really cute decorated Nike balls at the sports shop for like, 10 bucks, so I'm considering this. And that's it, though I do hope that me being there will be sufficent for everyone. I have no idea how this trip is going to work still, you know. Eh, It HAS to work out huh?

I'm so fucking stuffed. I really do weigh more like, 300 pounds now, lol, from all that fucking food I ate today, and I gaurentee I'm not done yet. Lol. I still have my uncles stuffing and turkey to attend to. Gave puppy some ham for is sreat...he loved it, of course, he is a dog.

Hey i just hurt my gah-nee.

I'm officially half way through my book, a bit more even, as in like, 10 pages more. Lol...so YAY for me. I"ll have it done before it's due. suhweet. I figure I'll have another half hr. or so before the FOSTER'S MOVIE! comes on after i'm done here, mabye, though i'm considering dling music, though i have no idea what. Maybe I'll just do a general search and get rediculous stuff. Yeah, that would be entertaining if nothing else.

Well, alright then, I'm gunna go do that then! Yoo-hoo.

*If You woke up in My bed, would you hold me?*

<3

And You stood at the door with you'r hands on My waist

...And you kissed me like you meant it."

So, tomorrow is thanksgiving...tada! Just in case you were unaware. Family number one, they're not doing dinner. Oh no, they're too good for that. So instead, they're going to volunteer, to help people who won't have Thanksgiving dinner. Yes, my 5 year old sister, is also included in this volunteer buisness. As for this family, well, Dad, Me, and HIS girlfriend. Lame. Why not MINE!? Yeah...what the fuck has happened? Whatever, I don't get it. All I know is I'd rather be getting drunk.

The dog is bothering the shit out of me. He only likes my Dad. I'm like his play toy; like a little mouse. And I keep calling him Swiss, but because my brother is embarassed, we felt it SO NECISSARY to change his name. Another whatever.

I'm considering going to see My Grampy on Saturday. Haven't exactly called Him about it yet though. I'm kind of, not scared, not nervous, but I'm kind of something, to bring it up to Daddy again, cause he doesn't really like Grampy. Plus I don't wanna take the car if he needs it. But I think it would be good. It would make my mother happy. It'll hit me the christmas jackpot. Lol. So I'll try hard.

34 Days 4 Hrs. and 15 Min.

*I'll be right beside You dear, even if You cannot hear my voice*

<3

I wanna go HOME

So, I have an extra 20 minutes 'till I have to get ready to go get my brother. I'm so excited to go get him today, because You know, We weren't supposed to be able to since his mother is the biggest Bitch on the face of the planet. Well, okay, she holds a few others right there with her, but yea, that's basically it.

So, HUGE, GARGANTUIN, THRILLING news. Daddy finally got a job this morning. And I am SO proud! As soon as I woke up this morning to take puppy out he told me. I though i could cry all over again, as if crying and praying for him to get the job wasn't enough. I just gave him a big squeezy hug. Would have been a bigger production had i not woken up four minutes prior. This is like one of his dream jobs, mainly because it finally gets him out of retail. Also though, He gets to work from home almost all of every week. Gah, i'm so fucking just...yeah! In the really good way. =)

I'm still trying to get a job though. Pretty much the last idea I have is Taco Bell. If that doesn't go through...I have no idea. I want to be an assistant somewhere. But if I did that, i'd wait until we move to Wilmington, just because I'm taking a rather lengthy Christmas which i'm not sure would be appreciated. Then again, by the time Christmas comes, I should be just about moved anyhow...hmm. Don't know.

I need to find out how long the school is on break to coordinate my visit too. I hope it's longer than like, till the 2nd or something. I'd leave at the earliest the 3rd. Hoping I can do at least that! Can't believe yesterday I actually looked at a test I, ME, have to study for. Gosh, makes me feel retarted or something. Carlos.

My Dad and his Girlfriend are having problems. Mostly cause she blows thing out of porportion, but she is a woman...we all do it. I KNOW I do. Makes Me sad either way though. It's cute how when either Me or my Dad get's off the phone we always ask about the other's girlfriend. Heh, never though I'd see the day, for many reasons. We're supposed to do Thanksgiving with Her and Her kids. =) ...but now I don't know.

My Dad smoked all my saragettes. =( I looked in the pack and was like, what!?, I didn't do that! I mean, i HOPE I didn't, or I have a problem! Though chain smoking seems to be the habbit of the morning, as in this is my second one in 45 minutes. lol.

I need to make a CD for the trip today. Think i'll go set that up and then shower while it burns.

*Home to YOU*

<3

It's Always You in My Big Dreams

I wanna be a magician... I could win the lottery and put beer caps in their bottles.

Swiss Cream is doing good. His cough is still there, but it's not as frequent as yesterday. He's learning to come, fetch, and potty train thank god. He also chases his tail and eats my white slippers...Einstein.

I'm slacking on reading and I want to take pictures of myself and my puppy.

How would i look with dreads??? Icky huh?

I honestly wish I had an answer as to why I don't like her so much. Normally i dont care, but I think because she's you're friend I should be okay with it. If I care enough I may try hard one day. No clue. Yeah, I'm jealous, but really I'm jealous of anyone there for the simple fact that they get to spend time with you and I don't. I mean, I'm aware that even though I'm so far away, I do still take up a good chunk of you're day, most all of it at least in thought.

Side note, Vince Neil's wife, is a monster, not the cute kind just in case you weren't aware.

Right, her. Idk, it's just me, in my nature, i'm protective of my things...i worry. About you and me and us. Yes, this feeling about her is about us. Like, well, yea, you know...mostly.

It was good to talk to him tonight. He only cursed at me once and then got off the phone and never called me back. And seriously, it was nice. He missed my voice. Said it's like his birthday everytime he gets to hear it. Tried to talk to him about my wife. "Why do i give a shit about you're wife?" I hate her. ...understandable. He sleeps the wrong way...and it bothers me more than anything.

I miss my nail. The hand i have my pretty rings on...it's GONE! ugh.

I watched a hott black guy on TB tonight...what's his name again? I love him...he's so hott, how could I not?

*You're My Everything*

<3

Suppose I Never Ever let You Kiss Me so Sweet and so Soft

I got a new puppy today. His name is Swiss Cream Bosmans. My mom said "couldn't you have named it something cooler, like, Hendrix, or Marley?" Dammit! she's right! lol. But i'm perfectly happy with Swiss Cream too, only because of my Brother.

Got two chapter test's done today. No fucking wonder i got so bored with high school. No way you can work like that in those kind of "regular" classes. 2 down, 12 to go. I'll be done in 24 hrs of work...so i'll b doing this class 3 weeks total. baAM!

I didn't read a lot today. And I haven't written nething much in a few days. Slacker.

I'm gunna go get my book. Scratch blogging.

Later Loves.

Some Postman Is Grooving to My Love Letter?

Tonight I did an incredible thing. Watched not one, but TWO of my most favoritest movies in the entire world. How the Grinch StolED Christmas followed by The Wizard of Oz. Both of them i've been watching for like, the last 17 years. I know a good 3/4 of the script of The Grinch by how...in fact, ashamed, cuz i should know more. =) And the you're a mean one mister grinch...bestest song EVER!...today. "The Grinch carved the roast BEAST AGAIN!" heh. And right, The Wizard of Oz. Makes me cry almost everytime when Judy Garland sings Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Mostly because that movie is memories of my mother...and she has memories of it with her mother. Geez, that is rediculous, but true.

I started a totally good book tonight. Amazing, not that a book is actually good, just that my opinion of it is such. It's called Frost. Makes me think even. Crazy.

I can't believe he's really moving. I'm far away and it still makes me want to cry. It's too rash, like the first time i tried to just up and go. Course at least he bothered to quit his job by then...i'm not sure i did. I really dont remember though.

I'm still jobless and i'm stressed, but not to a terrible extent. Give it two weeks and you know it, but eh...i kno i'm taken care of either way. Just so damn worried about my trip. Eh, it HAS to work out...somehow...=/ worry.

We're going to my Nana's tomorrow for Lunch. I have to get up at 10...and i'm going to die. 5 hrs of sleep more than likely...yay! ugh.

I found it ironic last night when you mentioned how you sometimes dont feel good enough. I feel that myself too sometimes, but only for you. More than i'd tell you about even...
But for you to feel it...shocking even. You're nothing but understanding whenever i go on my crazy rants. That's more than i've ever gotten from anyone, but more than i could ask for too. I couldn't even begin to tell you enough times how amazing you are baby.

I cannot think of anymore music to get right now...I'm SO uncool.

<3

*I Love You*

Stretchin' Out My Arms...or Something

Just reading over the lyrics of our somewhat buried song...only because it had not been listened to in a while until today..."If You Could Only See". It actually, suprisingly enough, came on the radio on the way home from going to get my brother, and yes, i played and sang to it about full blast...cool...i know. =) I remember how we always used to bring up the line "You've got to take a little dirt to keep what you love." Do you think the dirt is gone now? And if it is...well, at least "we" weren't buried in it.

Half off topic but ironically, The Pot by Tool came on as well...but that didn't mean a lot. Only got it re-stuck in my head.

My sister called me on the drive home from getting my brother, while we were watching scream 4 with that damn Saw "clown" in it! That was very cool. She called to tell me about the terrible wind storm and how the lights in the ducky bathroom flickered. Then she told me how she got a pixar racing game to play from blockbuster and rented cars. They bought hoodwinked last week. These little things she calls to tell me bring me the greatest joy. I mean, that she even thinks to call and tell her sissy silly little things like that. But what's more, how does she know how much I care that she thinks to...she has to know or she woulndn't do it...i really think so. She brought up Kaytie; I guess she came by the house about a week ago, but didn't stay for long. Now my family has invited her over for dinner one night. Guess she needs some kind of sissy in her life if i can't be there right now huh? Damn that girl. I hate her for this. Last straw...

Went and picked up 5 applications from the mall today. Made me feel like i had actually accomplished something. My top two would be american eagle or Victoria's Secret...followed by Hot Topic which i'm totally NOT counting on. There's two more i got, but they wouldn't do much for me...last resort kind of thing. I wouldn't go get applications at new york and company because they're clothes are TOO classy for me and woudld not do any good for me. I didn't apply at aeropostale because they are cheap and i'd never advertise them. And...i didn't apply at spencer's cause those people are FREAKS! ...but i do like the store anyways...i'm just not stoned out of my mind, well, enough anyways, to keep up with the other employees there.
Oh right, and not PacSun...i'd never advertise they're shirts...the brands...so once again, would not do me any good to work there.

I'm addicted to CSI Las Vegas. It is the official "shit!" =)

Taking my brother with me to turn in those applications tomorrow. Wish me luck alright?

<3

Couldn't Love You More...You've Got a Beautiful Taste

Phoning, Messaging, and half webcaming with my girlfriend. Things are mostly good...if only mine didn't keep fucking up! I love doing this...except the part where it makes me cry, so far, on a nightly basis, cause it hurts, real bad, ya know?

Finally figured out how to apply to blockbuster online...and when i did it, i only got to a certain, very short point, and it then told me "sorry you're not what we're looking for, try back in 90 days" or something to that effect...which is B/S cause i filled out all of those questions "right."

I didn't go anywhere today. It was fascinating. Didn't even step out the front door. Back porch was as far as i got. Tomorrow I think i'm going to a movie...The Prestige?

I found out there's an artist that lives upstairs...a very quiet woman. Younger, petite, cool curly hair, african american...tha artsy type. She even has an adorable, petite, curly haired poodle to go along with her auora. Anyhow, whole point of this story is that tonight she was banging on something...or someone? very loudly and she shook a picture off the wall. It was intense. The End.

My dad is trying to get me a job at belk if nothing else. Fingers crossed.

My Dad showed me my baby book today. I hadn't seen it in so long. It appers as though one, i've never liked vegetables, and two, i've always liked my father more than my mother. I said dada first and i was never content when he was gone. Apparently i looked like elvis until i was about nine months old as well...cute eh? But then i had bows in my head...and i reeli was adorable. yay! I also found out that my nana was a dancer and worked at a bar. While i think those are seperate, i gotta wonder? =)

Love is a pain sometimes.

<3