Day Ten

3 Days, 2 Hours, and 31 minutes until I arrive at SEATAC. Is it bad that I'm so anxious to leave here even though I've desired to be here for the last 6 months? No. It's not even that I'm anxious to leave here. It's just that I have my own life there now, and I want to go back to it. Friends are family. I need them just as much as I need these guys. Get it?
It's been a really great trip overall though.
I went to the mall today with my sister because I needed a new bra. My sister tried to break my knees and ended up making me break my under wire. Boo. =(
So we ended up spending about 3 hrs. at the mall and I got TWO new bra and panties sets which were afforded to me by my lovely wife. =) And I simply cannot wait! to fashion them! Of course I wanted a pretty lingerie set too, but i could not find one in my size.
I never realized how much my titties have grown. In a year and a half I've gone up TWO cup sizes. O.M.G. So yea, 38 D's, they're hard to come by. And now it makes me feel really bad for my friends who are like, 3D's and above, cause I know folks with that issue. Man!
We went out to dinner tonight at this hole in the wall place called "Veniziano's". It's their 60Th anniversary and has been run throughout 3 generations! My dad has been going there for 14 years. It is truly delicious though. Bestest cheesecake ever. (must be those sprinkles they put on it)
I guess other than that life is pretty simple here. I'm ready to get home and live my own again though. Getting up way to early and playing along with my Mom's day...it's just not for me.
So yea, just wastin time really.
Dunno if I'll write again for a while but...maybe.

<3
~Me

My Trip to VA

So, Here I am in Suffolk VA.
I have 6 days, 8 Hours and 30 Minutes left until I get home. That means I've been here a week of my 13 day trip. And that also means it took a week for my mother and I to get into our first fight.
Now as I see it, she wasn't being fair about it, but let me explain.
So, today we went shopping, and it was great fun. She bought me a clock and...well, a clock, which I greatly appreciated and I was very happy to get it. Especially since she had a 40% off coupon to use on it.
We got home at around 3 30 and I was pretty crabby, but concealed it pretty well. Mostly it's just cause I was hungry, though I also haven't been getting much sleep here. I made myself a sammich and had some chips. Yum. And i felt better for a while.
But then i realize that what i really wanted was a cigarette. That cigarette that I had been mildly thinking of for about an hr. and a half at this point. That want slowly turned into a need. Finally I had to do something cause i was just feeling pretty crappy without one.
Now, before I even got here, my Mom told me that my sister could not be around the smoke or even the smell because she has recently developed Asthma. I was totally fine with that, and up to this point, I had been so good. Before I left I was smoking about 6 a day. From the time i got here up until today, I did not smoke until everyone went to bed and i was very proud of myself for being able to do this. It felt good to smoke less even.
But today, man, I just really needed one. So i went downstairs with my purse with the intent of going on a walk so I could smoke, but i wanted to clear it with my mama first. So I went into the kitchen and i said "hey, I know that this is not going to make you very happy, but I've been thinking about a cigarette for about 2 hours now and I just REALLY need to go have one." And I also told her that I would go to the greatest possible lengths, including spraying, washing my hands, and brushing my teeth, and changing my shirt, so that no one would be bothered by it. I told her I would be back in time to go to my sister's karate class which was at 5 30. But, she would not go for it. She got very upset at me and told me that my sister nor my dad, who is just getting over pneumonia, needed to be around the smoke. I told her I understand that but I just really could not help it at this point. She asked me if maybe i wanted to eat, or to go brush my teeth and that would help. I was willing to try those things, but I knew the only thing that would help in reality would be that cig. Plus I had just eaten and was, in fact, full. She still completely disagreed with me, so finally I told her I supposed I just would not go with them then, if it was that serious that I was going to have a cig. before hand.
At that point she took what was, in my opinion, a really low blow. She said, "well, i guess that cigarette is more important than going to see your sister do karate." Which, I believe she knows full and well in her mind is much too far from the truth. I told her she could make me feel bad if she wanted to but i still really needed to smoke.
Then my Dad started to defend me, but quickly got shut down because she said he could not be around it.
I got really upset, so i went upstairs in my room and shut the door and turned on my music.
About 15 min. later my dad came in and calmly asked if i was going to go with them. I told him I just didn't think i could. By this time, the not going had nothing to do with the cigarette and everything to do with how my mother was acting about it.
Then my mother came in and told me how her friend at dinner really wanted to see me too. I said I understood I just really did not want to go anywhere. She left.
She came back and asked me one more time if I wanted to go. My answer was still a no, so she said "Well, I hope when you get back to Oak Harbor, that cigarette was more important than spending time with your family." I mean...WOW. I was just, flabbergasted, blown away, by the fact that she would say something like that. That's beyond low blow. I feel it was mildly evil even. OK, not quite, but you understand.
Oh, and after that she told me I was acting like i was 15 again, which i didn't' even much understand and she said "some things never change." I told her that no, they don't.
Me, oh, have I ever changed. She, oh yes, she is still exactly the same.
I don't think i should be made to feel guilty just because I smoke. What do you think.
And oh, in case anyone doesn't know, my mother also was a smoker. For about 11 years as I recall. Could be less could me more, that's just an estimate. So of all people, you'd think she might understand.
And now I really feel stuck here.
I called her. I told her how i felt and what had happened. She says I just want to run. Yes, of course i want to run. When DON'T i want to run? But, since when am i not allowed to run? I think it is perfectly acceptable. Especially since I've wanted to go see my wifey anyways. I didn't have the money. Now i kind of do, so now I want to go. And its not like I'd be gone long. 2 days whole. Not bad.
I just, well, I'm just ready for my trip to be over. And i feel bad for saying that. But I think generally it's understandable. Or isn't it?
I love my mother. From far away. I love her up close too. It's just a lot harder that way. We clash. Sometimes I think she thinks she "too good" or "high and mighty", and that is not a way to be. And for a Christian woman, well, I thought people such as herself were rather open minded. I mean, aren't you supposed to be, or am I wrong on that too? Because that is also something my mother lacks, admittedly or not.
I'm not trying to bash her. These are my honest feelings. In my head and my heart. I love her, but wow. She sure does have a way of getting to me. She shouldn't be able to do that to me anymore, but I guess if she didn't have that ability, I wouldn't respect her as much. She would not be the mother that she is to me.

~What do you think?

*******Me*********

I'm not so much of a punk...

But i surely am a Princess, and this is no surprise. In fact, it's something that EVERYONE I know, and knows me, knows. Friends, family, ...everyone. Even people who don't know me that well. But YOU...you know me better than ANY of them, and you don't quite seem to understand. I simply am YOUR Princess, which certainly is a privilege, for both of us. But yeah, sometimes that'll tend to make things difficult. I'm not like other girls...hell, other anybody's you could be with. I'm stubborn, and I've proved this oh so many time. I won't bend like a freaking twig for anybody or about anything. It take me my own time to realize what it is I'm doing or deciding that is wrong. I'm not easy to "compromise" with. Anything that happens involving me, if I can help it, WILL go my way...no questions asked. I'm bad at compromises, yet I like to fix things. But...I'd rather be adapted to than adapt. Guess I "adapt" in my own way, and in my own time as well. Look, I don't know what to tell you. Like i said, you know how i am, who i am. And you "got yourself into it", which I don't feel is a bad thing for either one of us. Perhaps you just need to take more time, more thought, and understand this me better. Or maybe I need to stop and understand you too... I don't quite know yet.

Maybe when I'm done with thinking, Maybe You can think me whole. Maybe when your not so tired, Maybe I could step inside...

But sometimes...I forget I'm at home again. When no ones up and megan's on the computer alseep while I'm awake at ungodly hours of the night. Listening to itunes and writing poetry...I foget I'm home. And I remember everything. The smell of the candles. And the cigarettes. The bed...the porch...the kitchen...everything is there, in my head...etched forever it seems. The last days stand out so much more. The yelling, cursing, my brother hearing it all. Airing dirty laundry right in my uncles home. The screaming...the pointing...his fierce face in mine. Reading to try and run away from it. And everything hurts, just like it did. I've got to get to bed...this is rediculous. I need to make it go away...just, make the memories leave...

Oh WHY Would I Want to be Anywhere Else?

Well....All "THAT" turned out shitty now didn't it? As in, the time since I started blogging. The moving, the Dad, the brother, the dog, even the fish. The aunt, the uncle, the babies, the Nana. It all turned out to be some "false reality" you could call it. That's just to say, i suppose, that I expected something different, better, "newer". But, all it turned into was a jumble of the same shit encountered, what, 9 years ago? Yeah, about that. Guess You guys get that I'm more pleased about that decision than I have been with nearly any other one i've made. Not only b/c of the obvious thing...appreciation mostly, but there's one more thing. That is, to learn what it really, truly is to not regret something. I say I don't regret decisions, and I never really do, but those were all on much smaller scales. This is the single biggest decision I've made in my life thus far, and it is my first time to really understand what it is to not regret something. Not once have I cried for leaving there. See, now I want to just for thinking what it was like. But, I wouldn't go back for anything at all. Nothing. I don't even know what to say about it now... I've not once, in my mind, looked back on that place since the morning I was driven to the airport. Closure is the point i guess. I now know to whom and to what and to where i belong. It is nothing even close to resembling that place and those people. I miss my brother, I miss my Nana. I'm afraid she'll die, and i'll never know what became of the rest of her time, or how she felt about me. Though, I'm almost sure, knowing Jay, that nothing but awful about me has been fed into their manipulated brains. I wonder after that monumental point in my life, what's next? It was hard, it was good. I want to prepare for my next lesson...

"You could be happy"...i wonder if that could be their song for me...

And...as for now...I am the single happiest girl...perhaps ever? No, that can't be right. But I feel on better about everything on every level than I have in a year. It is nice. It is a relief. I've cried exactly one day in nearly 3 weeks. Know what it was for?? My dad jokingly said I had a big ass and Megan told me I was embarassing her. All within the same hour. How rediculous. I know. But you know, I'll take crying once a month over silly shit than every day over...everything and anything else. I have the most perfect life for me. And I didn't have to try too hard to make it. Everyone I love loves everyone. I couldn't ask for more. Truly. Every single person I have here...amazing. Even those that don't even seem to make that much of an impact. The thing between megan and my family now. Its like the miracle I will never question. I love it. It makes me the happiest of all the things. Kaytie and I are friends again. Who the fuck saw that one coming? Not even me...so IDK who could have. Kristimaries another one of those...but i'm grateful to have her in my life just the same. Cody and I...we have our moments...I don't think we'll ever be close enough for me...but i'll take what i can get...I just wish it were different. Perhaps it can be worked on as our lives mature. Even kenzie...well, she just rocks. And i'd gladly bring her a bag of double stuffed oreo's any time I had the money. =)

I'm chill for writing this evening. I need to color some care bears and go to bed. Just trying to be cool with the coloring like my five year old sister. Heh.

I just love you...Not just YOU, though of course YOU...but all of you.

"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go So make the best of this test, and don't ask why It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right."

<3

So I Flew away, yet again, into a Grey Sky Morning...

...and all the while, wishing I woudln't have. Perhaps that I didn't "have" to.

I wish I could be the girl, sitting here, writing about my bubbly thoughts and how over joyed I am about whatever it is those overly bubbly girls write about. The newest, happy, adventure in my life or the newest, successful, direction it is taking. But I guess blogging was created in the first place, for people who are upset with parts of their life. Those who need a place to whine and complain about it. Or to straighten their mundane thoughts that seem to be too much to just randomly express as they come about, to the first person that will listen and care. See, even as I write that, it just sounds so..."emo", as its called these days.

Well, I'm "home" again, and nothing great has happened. It was an accomplishment on its own to finally get my things put away after I'd been back for 48 hrs. For the first two days after I got back, I didn't see a single ray of sunlight. I went to bed just before it came up and woke up 2 hours after it had gone down. Finally decided I should go to the school and get that settled. Unfotrunantly, that didn't settle as much as I would have liked. Looks as though I'm only taking 2 classes this semester; one of which is scheduled mid day, mid my work schedule, and much too early for me to getting up for a lame basics class. Also, after dealing with an entire year of asshole, though i did love him, schulle, I'm still only marked as having "half" of the class, which is fucked up, so you know i'll be fighting that tooth and nail. I can't get into the english class i need until the end of March, which is when i'm supposed to have decided I'm packing up my shit and going to be happy again. So it seems as though i'm stuck here till June first, or i pay 80 bucks and finish up at miday. Considering I go to midway, 2 of the 3 classes i've either signed up for or have already taken don't matter to me in the slightest. I need someone to find out what i need there to finish up I guess.

After the shitty school incident, I went to walmart in search of sleep aids and possibly a puzzle. After I coudln't find the sleep aid I went to look for the puzzles. But, on the way to the puzzles, i passed puppy things. And so i looked. I ended up picking him out a nice shampoo and conditioner in one, a giant bag of multi flavored dog bones taht he can crunch so he wont swallow them so immediatly, and two big rawhide bones. But theres more...i saw fish. I saw "dorothy's" even. So...I went to the craft section, and picked out a glass vase and some colored stones to match my new fishes complexion. Got some "color enhancing" food and water cleaner, and picked out my new betta, aka, Hendrix. He sits my the coffee pot now, and everytime i see him, i make noises at him and stroke his bowl as if he knows exactly what's going on. Idiot.

I'm tired of writing. May pick it up later if I get bored enough, though I wonder if I will. I've just started the 2nd of my 3 books. "A Million Little Pieces". I'll read a bit more and let you know what I think...

"I'm not an artist, I'M a fukin' work of art."

<3,>

I...

You can't fake it hard enough to please everyone, or anyone at all. Anyone at all.

So, 6 days till i go home. And this is the very first time in 2 months i've had this thought that i wanted. I want to go home. I want to go back. Not because of Oak Harbor. Oak Harbor can kiss my black ass! I want to go back to the people i LOVE with all my heart.
I want to go back to YOU. I know it would be happier that way. Forever wouldn't seem so scary with me by your immediate side. None of this bullshit would have happend. You're doubt would be lessened. You get a place and i'd be back in a minute. Would that happen?
I want to go back to my mother. I hated her and miss her so much. Tonight was the first conversation i've had with her since i've been here in which we laughed and just talked and things were okay. she asked me to go home again and i just wanted to go "okay." ...and that be it. But she knows if i go back it would have to be under my one single circumstance. Would she do that?
I want to go back to my dad. MY DAD. The one that was there for 8 years. The one that gave enough of a shit to fight me when i left...to educate me. To tell me what was important, and not fear to give me THE TRUTH. That dad.
I want to go back to my sister. The girl that could put a smile on my face all day. The most innocent thing on earth. Her laugh just melts me, and i want to be back to enjoy it.
These people are my family. All 4 of you. And I want you back. So much right now. So much it hurts my heart. And I cry. Because i need you all. I need you so much more than i could ever verbalize to you. But you're not supposed to know that, because that's how I am. Hell, I even want my little fluffy lion with the butt infection back cause she's so sweet.
I've lived without the people here for so long its tolerable. Even you, i'd been without you for so long, but i feel as though you've been there for jsut as long as the others. My Dad...he's fucked up. I love him. He's fucked up...a lot.
My uncle, he has a drinking problem and I don't get a chance to talk to him when he's not somewhat fucked up. The only people i know here are either potheads or guys looking for ass.
It's just lame.
And that's the way the cookie crumbles.
I'm just sad.
The end.